yes love, that's all this time

in my stride

2012-07-01T14:22:00.015+08:00

So yes, I graduate next year, July 2012.

Anyway, since it is unlikely that I can afford any of these items (to be listed), I decided to make a pictorial list of my current-favourite things.

"Decided to move pictures somewhere they would look prettier; click on More Visuals Here:"

And NUS? Fuck you.

2012-02-11T16:10:00.001+08:00

Live to die another day. I guess god doesn't want me to be a SIA stewardess. Well, god. Please take note of my unemployed status and give me a fucking clue. Thank you.

2012-01-30T02:08:00.001+08:00

Looking at that post I placed above, until July. Suddenly reminded me that I had meant to ask my grandpa (and grandma) to my graduation. If he had gotten better.

I know I wasn't terribly close to him, as compared to his daughters and son, and as compared to others. But we were all pretty close-knit in a fucked up way.

I loved it when I had that short hair. He would say I was handsome, just like him. We would compare haircuts. Should stop thinking now.

Sent

2012-01-30T02:01:00.001+08:00

I have never seen my grandparents cry (mother's). Likewise with my father's side but somehow I never was too bothered by the lack of emotion on their end. Never questioned why my grandfather didn't cry at my grandmother's funeral (or perhaps I was still too young to really notice). And of course when he passed on, a few years into my young adulthood, there was nothing to observe.

Until yesterday. My grandma was rather alls well, throughout everything. And I wondered loudly in my head if Love actually exists at that age. She just went about her business as per.

And then, I saw my grandma cry. Twice.

I guess Love really does exist.

I miss you quite a bit more than I had cared to imagine, grandpa. And you too, grandfather.

I hope you both are in the heavens of which you truly believe in. (And to be fair, grandmother too)

Vanity sizing

2012-01-27T22:44:00.001+08:00

I bought jeans (my second Cheap Mondays) to fit my voluptuous new-old size.

Jeans size 29.

And they fit. Though a tad loose, I see myself wearing them a tad more than the old sized ones. Maybe I'll try 28s again. Next time.

Trigger

2012-01-19T02:19:00.001+08:00

Empty
Empty
Empty.

Tick tock clock.

Empty
Empty
Empty

Good morning new day.

Books are your friends. And you don't parade your friends around, do you?

2011-12-23T22:06:00.001+08:00

Sometimes I think I am too boring for Loga but having beers with him is one of the best things i have in my life.

2011-12-21T00:10:00.001+08:00

Was really hoping you would bother to plan a celebration thingy. Haha. Sometimes I dream too much. And yet I dream too little for the necessary...

Last Screens @Sinema

2011-12-18T02:25:00.001+08:00

On the way home, I climbed some stairs to the DBS ATMs and withdrew a thousand from my bank account.

Counted. Twenty fifties.

Walked over to the neighbouring OCBC ATMs and deposited a thousand. From today, I start.

Leaving me with a larger credit card debt than I can cover with my balance--weirdly makes me feel like I am finishing what I started. And all in all, feel like I am growing up and old.

2011-12-14T09:13:00.001+08:00

The line I hate to use on him the most is "See you when I see you..."

2011-12-08T23:02:00.001+08:00

I think rather a lot about my anti-desire of getting to know more people. It's as though it's a fact that less = more. Perhaps it is, perhaps not, but it doesn't change the fact that I have no desire. Sometimes, when the rare occurrence that I can sense someone trying to make a connection with me; I get so clammy. And I feel sorry for the person being so nice to a stone. Almost wished I had a label to explain myself, explain that I don't mean to be rude but merely disinterested in the flirting (ha-ha) that this world engages in. Or really just what most people term "networking".
--------------------------

I hadn't known that Sinema was closing down before Oli told me, but now I am totally keen on a marathon on the 17th (3 great films each at SGD12 for 2 tickets), but Azfar would have started his job by then and... It doesn't feel right to movie marathon without him, my dearest movie-addict.

On another beat, Azfar coaxed me into watching 50/50 when a "similarly" themed movie, Restless had captured my interest a little more.. Though neither was of particular interest to me. But boy am I glad he did. Easily one of the best movies ever. Real. Very real. Black Swan had a terrible ending which took a sizeable chunk of watchability out. This movie's ending was the ho-hum but nothing could detract from the emotions the director/producer brought out with her/his welding of the scenes and the actors. All else I can say without being a spoiler is that Azfar had a very wet right sleeve.

Can(t) smoke, till later

2011-12-02T00:34:00.001+08:00

Damn it.

I had a "real" fit today at Sufi. Was wearing a semi-corset bra, and high-waisted denim cut-offs, sitting and trying to lounge with my sheesha. It didn't work.

I literally was trembling in my hands and had no ability to breathe. This is after I took off my sheer top and corset, replacing it with an extra tee he had. It got really frustrating and I spent 10.90 on a cab home (god, I hate wasting that kind of money).

Now, I am thinking I need a better diet (less rich food, more wholesome) and a better exercise plan (or actually start one). Because life isn't fun if you can't even have some fun.

2011-11-24T10:27:00.001+08:00

To me, the last few days defined a lot.

And I have to learn to accept that is how my relationships are. I allowed Life to put me in this position and as much as I am trying to be grateful, I recognise there will always be other more favourable positions.

Using reverse logic, if material wealth and societal acceptance unattainable (in a sense of which either would feel complete and sufficient) then it must be something else. There is nothing wrong with that logic; even if I haven't convinced anyone/myself that the something else is something (a.k.a Happiness). Some people strive for in religion, though I would ask them to seek for god/spirituality and not another form of search for acceptance in normative belief.

I have come pretty far and it's beginning to sink in that I changed. I used to think I only exaggerated aspects of me that were ever prevalent but it's come to my attention I am not the same girl who existed in secondary school. I stopped aiming to impress. It used to be a constant struggle to fit in--wondering why no one could fully relate. Yet, at the very same time, I needed to shine, needed to stand out from the pack.

It's obvious now why I had such a hard time feeling happy. If I have a kid, that's the only thing I want her/him to have, the ability to love herself and be be happy (kind of a package, ain't it?).

Then, the rest will follow.

Why

2011-11-23T01:55:00.001+08:00

It really is simple to articulate. Don't laugh, now.

Happiness.

It's why we're here. It's why I enjoy waitressing. It's why sitting with her and contemplating life is my favourite past-time. It's why he is always going to be in my life. I couldn't articulate it, just five minutes ago, to my brother but it was only because I knew he wasn't ready to accept it. I know it's not news...

... But who really lives by it? Who doesn't love the material...? But even we, as limited as we are in our minds, know something is not right about it. I love my leathered goods and district numbers. I love the idea of being awesome just because I live in the best city in world. But really none of that would make me happy. Not even close. The night before, a release of a new limited run of this wallet I have been wanting for a while went live. But I stopped myself. I really exceeded my budget for this month, I thought to myself. And although the next day the item sold out, as expected, I was really happy with myself. Happiness comes from being true. And accepting that you are limited. And not forgetting you can be somebody to someone else. A fritter of hope and a good portion of self-awareness.

I think my dream job is one that would pay me in words. Talk is cheap, sam. Talk is dirt cheap.

But I can't really accept the notion of money anymore.

Really all we need is so much less.

At this point, for me to have a good life would be to marry FUCKING rich because I can't do the rat race, like I thought I could. But I want a happy life, so that's easy. And I honestly believe that I can live on "air". I mean there are always jobs in Singapore, that's almost close to a fact, it's whether you're willing to work them.

Not talented like that

2011-11-22T11:40:00.001+08:00

But it don't matter.

Retail therapy

2011-11-18T03:39:00.001+08:00

I spent almost a K this month on "therapy" and it really doesn't seem to be working.

It's just barely half-way through. I think I am trying to make myself broke.

On another note, Azfar had a sushi dinner with me. That was exhilarating.

2011-11-17T15:40:00.001+08:00

I did.

I looked real hard at the slides but I cannot understand my professor's mathematical shorthand. I should have attended classes. I shouldn't have gone to Hong Kong and set a precedence to miss all my classes this "final" semester.

How can one mess up something so simple?

Uh. Need to find some "passion" soon, I mean other than just stoning & lying like compost in bed.

I wonder.

Without

2011-11-17T04:15:00.001+08:00

It would be nice to have but I have got to start learning to do without.

Shake Sashimi & Starbucks

2011-11-16T03:46:00.001+08:00

Amidst slurping "sushi" and swiping Starbucks' mugs, we found a little more honesty than I had believed in us.

It was an unexpected surprise. It kind of made me focus on how I am going to be different for tomorrow/when I wake up.

No more slothing. My messy room can wait.

A lesson each day...

2011-11-15T01:22:00.001+08:00

She said what she thought, very honestly; and that reinforced the notion against putting your loved ones to the test.

Besides the argument of the invitation to err (mislead the future), time always puts us to the test. And patience, has shown me, with more clarity than before, that our phone call was no mistake. I am glad I called you, as much... No, wait... Even more glad now, then before.

I get so angry...

2011-11-13T06:22:00.001+08:00

... I don't know where to place it. I stop in my tracks and take deep breaths and tell myself, you can't blame anyone for the fall that's about to follow.

I am head-deep in manure and at that point, how does one really know to get out?

Don't tell me about connections and understanding; as far as I am concerned, you never got me. I got myself.

At this point, I am just trying not to blow up at everybody. Every day is the same.

Misunderstood

2011-11-12T04:01:00.001+08:00

--------------------------
To piece, by piece,
An illusion of morals
Duty-bound to desks and halls

To piece, by piece,
So loud are the introverts
Striving for favours and merits

To piece, by piece,
Understanding of our times
Reaching for ambitions well-within crime

And here, the end,
My belongings/prizes make no purpose
The puzzle incomplete
--------------------------

I don't know what I'd do with/without my degree. The outcome seems the same to me, almost. Almost, only because people seem to think its a crime to be something less than a corporate climber or a "society-sanctioned mid-career switch" to follow one's "passions". Unfortunately, to some degree that affects me. More unfortunately, it just makes me more tired of life and less willing to try to fit in with something so obviously meaningless.

Popcorn

2011-11-09T01:59:00.000+08:00

And the day perked up in even greater addition because Azfar surprised me with a huge bag of Garett's, despite working from morning, seven, to evening, eight, without even a lunch/dinner break. Just because he knew I was having a rough day.

I am really too blessed to complain.

You cant un-burn a bridge. Life dont work that way

2011-11-09T01:51:00.001+08:00

Was having yet another cranky day. Really taking deep dives and all, whilst wishing I was interested in even reading philosophy (for my degree, even subjects I am normally self-motivated to read up on, lose all lustre), I kind of thought this was it. I had to stop trying to make life bearable because it will never be anything more than bearable; as always.

Again, my cousin was admitted to IMH last Saturday. This isn't some cousin in some far off branch of my family tree, or someone I only ever say "hi" to during Lunar New Year. This was my cousin, who I grew up as a tom-boy with, running around with my siblings. We were childhood buddies. But when my aunt chose to give up her son during her divorce, we hardly met up anymore. Sometimes, it felt like I was missing a brother (funny, when you consider I have two already) but I got over it. But he never got over the fact that his mother gave him up.

It makes me really grateful that despite always being the family without money or basic things after my dad screwed up, my mum wanted us four.

And I cannot explain the un-realness and yet the realness of sitting with my mum, answering her question about the impact of her divorce on us and telling her that I am tired of living and she would actually not write me off as being spoilt/attention-seeking. That I could tell her I don't want to be anything like the people I met in all the "good" schools she forced me to attend and I struggle to fit in with these unassumingly blessed people and I struggle to want the same life they want.

That even as I have been conditioned to believe that working in some big corporation is equivalent to success, I don't want it but it's so difficult to be somewhat of that world and fighting it, even as I passionately love the creations of materialism.

I am glad I had no money in junior college and it forced me to work so I could keep "hanging out" with friends and buy pretty things so I didn't feel left out. Because it really made me see how little one really needs. When I see Dora and her dad (my colleague) I know, that world is all wrong. A simple life is better than anything. Dora's world is the one I really want to belong to.

All the money in the world cannot give you a mum who says, "I don't stop you from dating Malay boys, because if they don't make you feel disgusted like Chinese boys do, then why should I stop you? It's your life."

I don't appreciate freedom because I always had too much. But now I see my freedom was really at the expense of her own. Thank you, mummy, though you still suck when you don't do things other people's mums do. But I guess I understand. I always did.

Hate

2011-11-08T18:44:00.001+08:00

I was typing out a long list of things I hated. Which as far I am able to express included everything, including things I loved most about myself (my command of English, for example).

Then I stopped. Unpacked my "home-cooked" food (haha, no such thing as home cooked around here), and concluded the only thing I hated was my resentment for everything in this world. Resentment for making happiness unappreciable.

Sometimes..

2011-11-06T18:13:00.001+08:00

Just when I feel like I have dropped off the edge of crazy, my boyfriend takes my stupidity seriously and asks me things I thought he never listened enough to ask.

And relieves me of the anxiety of the insane. Suddenly the influence and assurance that I have been seeking is fulfilled. And I feel okay.

I don't care if we have two different minds and two different worlds. He is the one that was meant for me.

Hit me with a truck

2011-11-05T01:17:00.004+08:00

There are two friends who effected the most significant influence on my perspective of relationships. Jessica (Or something like that, names never mean anything) and Michelle. In different ways, they cemented the concept of relationships; unconsciously I moulded all my thoughts relating to the matter on their handling of me.

I wish for someone to HUNDRED percent watch my back, and cover my ass. I wonder why it's so difficult for anyone to do that--even though I don't do that for anyone else. Then I realise, it's not true friends I wish for, all I wish for is for parents who did put me before their own needs, just like most of "everybody else" has/had.

The worst part of a terrible day is knowing that there is no one to leash it out on or thrash it out with comfortably.

"There are two qualifications that distinguish between a normal person and a crazy person: degree of conformity to society, and influence. Basically, a crazy is the one who is a double low. That's what I am most afraid of."

Running a mild fever today, worked at both places and the whole time I just wished that today was the day my fairy god-ma will finally appear and state, "Shumin, you have had quite about enough." Or you're off the hook. Or your carriage, "prince-charming" and "Disney castle" awaits.

I try my best to be coherent but recently I am drowning in all thoughts I have not spoken of. And it is simply too difficult to articulate one idea when a million are gushing for attention and a million more (though uninteresting) ideas-relating-to-bullshitting/cocksucking-for-society (A.K.A. "education") are begging for a second of consideration.

I Like To Fork Myself

My Ksubis

2011-10-24T17:15:00.000+08:00

I totally freaked after I received it, composure reserved only for and relinquished after the postman handed me and I signed for.

Because I was running late to meet him, I stuffed my foot in and with all my efforts, I wore it unhappily. Had it been a hit, I would have not hesitated to walk out in them immediately. But it was such a toughie to put them on as my huge ankles struggled to push in (real lace-ups, no zips; a feature I love). Crushed. The part that was tight was a part that adjusting the laces wouldn't help.

I spoke in length, disappointed and regretting my first designer purchase (my most expensive article of apparel to date), with the Boy about the shoes. After escorting him to work, I headed home and calmly gave them another shot. Lo and behold, there was a technique to these boots and, yes, they are perfect. My fat calves actually look skinny-ish in them! The only problem (which made me glad it wasn't love at first sight) is how to protect the sole (made of wood, not a wedge though, and only rubberised at the heel).

2011-10-24T05:12:00.003+08:00

The quiet descent of failure lies in the night, air-conditioning rumbling, realising you're up at five--and you should have fallen asleep six hours ago.

I finally laughed several times at a screen today/yesterday (technically). That's a rather huge deal. I just don't normally laugh when it's not life.

Tapped (2009)

2011-10-20T18:53:00.007+08:00

Tapped. A documentary on the bottled water industry.

Please watch if you have an hour and fifteen to spare. It's really kind of horrible, the world we live in.

2011-10-06T00:33:00.006+08:00

Didn't succeed in bringing Muhammad to Vintage Delicafe (you know, my obsession with finding interesting Halal dining spots, though he doesn't really mind otherwise?).

Nonetheless, it was good. I think today I had a clearer head than in weeks (could be the off-week I am giving myself from vegetarianism) and I made conscious effort not to sideline too much. Thus, we finally (for the very first time, including my personal experiences) prowled the entire length of Haji Lane; haha. No sheesha, no sun, no hunger pangs, and no going in the late afternoon.

We entered K.I.N and he gave a sifr tee a shot, steady heart steady--to my quiet delight, and loved it. He bought one on the spot. Need the Lo & Behold card next time, a good 10% off.

I tried some butter London nail polishes and am officially blown away. So much so that I bought one in Soon Lee on the spot; instead of deciding to scour online for a better bargain (25/bottle). Have been scouring the Internet upon reaching home though.

Honestly, that lane didn't have much for us. I mostly lamented about living just across the street (yes, I know it's been said to death but you need to understand how much impact the government's relocation of my family had on the course of my fate) and felt bored of the stair-climbing to see nothing much.

Before Haji-ing, we walked a bit around Kampong Glam and the next thing we knew an elderly/middle-aged shopkeeper had, a little uncomfortably, shoved us into a Vespa with an attached passenger cart. We got iPhone photos (lazy to bring my lo-fi out since hi-fi MIA-ed) of the moment. And it's funny but I just love that awkward moment.

We ate at Zam Zam for delicious beef murtabak--crisp and flavourful, the best I ever had, along North Bridge Road and headed "back" to town (he mentioned how glad he was that we weren't hanging in orchard earlier). I did my H&M return--cold hard 24.90--with Gongcha in tow (Though, I did want to express to him that I had a bottle of water and didn't want to waste so much $$$ on Gongcha but I didn't want to spoil the easy-going mood we had on).

Had an unimpressive hot chocolate and an unique-but-not-our-thing orange cream sponge cake at Wild Honey. We sat for quite a bit, by our standards.

We explored Topshop Knightsbridge to bear no fruits and proceeded to try Benefit's chacahtint, which was a hit. I love the formulation, way over benetint's and the stain strength, not to neglect the obvious--the colour, was amazing and natural. Similarly, I threw myself over to Urban Decay, attempted to make a more informed decision about the Naked palette. The conclusion was a no. Although, everyone raves about it (Oli wants it, Tif has it [& loves it]), I asked myself two really fundamental questions: Do I ever use eyeshadow? And even if I did/would, would I use shimmer eyeshadow? Two resounding nos rang out. The idea of nakedness is great but I am more muted than that--if it was just 2 shimmer shades, instead of only 2 matte shades, I would have been sucked in. A little bummed that I can't spurgle 78 bucks but glad; the velvet case annoyed me.

We walked towards the MRT station, though neither of us really suggested going home yet, but we were both tired of "relaxing"--work is less tiring. Passed by Zara, where I pretended to say no, picked up nothing below 149 (totally two different Zara-universes eh, Tif?), until I chanced upon pairs of black or burgundy or dull royal blue shorts. I liked the medium fit on me and didn't hesitate to grab a medium in burgundy. Paid 59.90, as he whispered "impulse buy, impulse buy", and proceeded speedily to the MRT station (brother called, was sick and needed dinner).

We stopped by the Wisma Atria toilet, as I recently concluded I rather pee before the journey starts then rush for my home-loo later, and I offered to show him my shorts (he saw me only in the black one, where he had distinctly shook his head in disapproval). I pulled them on and lo and behold--they didn't fit. They were tighter than the small I tried with the medium. Goodness.

The labels were all indicative of a medium but the impossibility of my stomach and thighs to have gained ten kilogrammes in the last five minutes, assured me that the labels had to be wrong.

The exchange was fuss-free but Zara's service at Ngee Ann City leaves a lot to be desired. "So you want to change for this, right?" Not a word more or less.

Won't drag on anymore, need to be up in 4 hours but all in all, our first date in the longest time was real dandy.

2011-09-30T11:52:00.002+08:00

Starting to observe in me the ginormous effort saying "no" or "yes" takes.

No, I don't want to go to school.
Yes, let's just stay at home.
No, why do I have to work?
Yes, I'd love to shop.
No, I don't want to meet.
Yes, it means a lot to me.
No, I dont really care what it means.

Plack Plack Plick Plackkk

2011-09-29T23:35:00.002+08:00

Envy.

Yesterday, I heard that he was a director. My mind flurried. Rattling against the seams of my skull and yelled, "Fuck Sam, what are you doing with your life?"

Younger than me, probably by a good 3-5 years; working part-time to earn his keep, schooling (actual schooling involved), family matters to address and medicate and the works, with in addition a director of a company. No idea how useless and unfulfilled this twenty-three year old granny felt.

Today, I retrieved more information, like a curious cat that I always am. A director of a night club (yes, the shady kind).

Okay. Envy flew out the window. Sometimes what we understand is just so limited and subjected to the perversion of our own thoughts.

Problem is the perception of uselessness has not. Here I am. Writing cheap words. Fuck that, not even writing but typing. Typing cheap words hoping it will rebate me a little worth.

No good.

2011-09-27T02:09:00.002+08:00

When I lie in bed, all I can think of is how to avoid the waking up part. Even if it means delaying the sleep part with absurd amounts of browser shopping.

Matrix.

The only thing I haven't given up on is being a full-time vegetarian someday. I mean we have to be the change we need in the world, right? Who else?

2011-09-13T00:24:00.002+08:00

The world is just full of stupid everything.

Disagree? Well, prove me bloody wrong then.

(This challenge is not for Azfar, because he already has.)

Sometimes I wonder about commitment in a relationship not being the best way to love someone, completely. Humans hardly cherish (naturally, without consideration) when the going's good, the grass is always greener; if absence and loss nurses a fond heart, maybe assurance and trust of a committed relationship only encourages complacency and neglect.

Without commitment, perhaps more "naturally" we wouldn't need reminders (personal or otherwise) not to take things for granted.

Just a thought. (Not my view, as of now)

Damp sheets

2011-08-28T00:55:00.002+08:00

The ajar window on a grey skyless day, hung with dripping drizzle, leaves my sheets damp, even by the break of a new day.

I missed the more unkind sam today. Should have just shown that bitch what I am made of. But one must forgive the elderly at times; for they had their whole lives behind them.

I am just a smile away.

2011-08-11T23:27:00.001+08:00

So far, I am really happy here.

The weight of Silk on Skin

2011-08-03T23:16:00.002+08:00

If you have the time, and some money, I highly recommend this play. It was so good, I felt like I was a man who loved, deeply, a woman. Absolutely loved the script.

I teared/almost cried whilst ushering.

Anyway, smashed/shattered my iPhone just before my ushering shift. Finally, I guess. Fuck. Anyway, got a nifty Nokia E63. As a replacement. Quite pleased.

Instant udon

2011-07-21T10:25:00.003+08:00

Just finished a bowl of instant udon (likely to be chockful of MSG, since it's not my staple KOKA). It was worth it.

One must first comprehend the ginormous effort is required to make instant mee at home. First, I always rinse my noodles of the wax, via placing them in boiling water before pouring it out, but I will be extra careful not to overcook them (I love them only when al dente). Next, would be to reboil some water and toss the noodles in when the water is frothy. I would have prepared a separate small bowl to crack an egg into and, like today, I might slice up some egg-tofu (which I bought a month back) or tomatoes if there are any (usually none, not even random veggies to throw in). And very swiftly I add the seasoning, randoms and egg(s) in, being cautious not to break the yolk, especially when pouring the broth with the noodles out.

Of course, there is cleaning/washing up after, as expected.

The real effort comes from before one cooks. Because the sink is ALWAYS cluttered by days-old dishes, pots, pans and midget's bowl. Yesterday, I cleaned up the sink, cooked my mee and cleaned up. Today, I faced the very same sink. Chockful of dirty dishes and cups. Almost as though I didn't get enough washing liquid on peeling fingers at work, that I must come home to face more.

But today it was worth it. It's helping me to drift to sleep soon, need to wake by 1630h!

2011-07-21T04:59:00.002+08:00

Today wasn't so fantastic.

Wondering about my future (hate when people ask me what I am doing now) and having a really good German riesling, which has changed my opinion on whites. Drinking an day-old shiraz with my tom-yam instant mee.

I love the reds and the whites.

The best things in life are free.

Facebook

2011-07-20T09:02:00.004+08:00

So some days curiousity gets the better of me (for example, this morning), and I peek onto Facebook. Sadly, I've come to realise people on my Facebook account are very weird and unfamiliar; though very likely it's me that has lost touch. As I try to fall asleep, my happiness wavers for just a moment. I reclaim myself and restrain straying thoughts--I remind myself that my happiness comes from myself alone. I tell myself that I am no island but I need not people to know about me.

Last night/This morning, I said something, which made me think that just maybe I really did find my one true love. Different from the rest, whose love I fell for hard and fast and deep. With him, I almost seem to be learning. Learning how to love deeply, learning how to be best friends, learning how to compromise and learning how to be one with him. Sometimes I feel as though he is the only person who really would love me and long for me, even after my death. Most people probably already think of me as dead (excluding colleagues) but Azfar, who I haven't had a proper date with since our anniversary (which was mundane thanks to my lethagy), waits very patiently for me, to make time. He rushes to meet me in between my workshifts. He watches me as I snore. I wonder if it means that my life evolves around him? I personally still feel against that. He is not my everything (evidenced by my wonderful part-time job of which I am almost a permanent cashier) but definitely he is what currently convinces me to strive for happiness and fuck the rest.

It did make me upset to see myself seemingly not doing tangible things like going abroad. But as one of my English teachers (Ms. Karen Tay, I think) said to me, "Don't be affected by what they have now or what they say, in the future you'll far exceed them." I am not sure if she meant that I'd be rich but I think I rather she had meant that I would learn to let go of material things.

2011-07-18T09:58:00.004+08:00

I can't sleep. My head is spinning from the lack of sleep and food (though I had a vegetarian McD's breakfast burger just now) and it's been spinning since 06h.

I think it's because Wilson was complaining of "hardness" of his life in a very absolute way. Somehow it led to Zix & myself sharing and, god, I wasn't even 1% through and my eyes completely could not focus and my head was in a flurry. I stopped; I don't share my "hardships" for a reason--life is not for comparisons. And honestly, no one really cares how fucked up your life is. We all have our fair share of issues. This is how much shit you have been allocated with; just deal, because you definitely can. Believe in yourself--you'll find the elusive.

Actually, we were sharing only because we wanted Wilson to stop complaining about not having enough money (& I think he finally realises habit is no excuse for it). It's in bad taste to continuously insist on how broke you are (especially when no one is asking) when you are able afford life's luxuries (however minute). And we only did so because we cared? The world is definitely a funny place. It's funny how someone can be so blessed and still fucking moan about everything. It really makes me feel so blessed to have begun to be able to be thankful for my life.

I don't know.

Was telling Zix how angry sharing about my life gets me; and it hit me how much shit I actually don't think about anymore--I am not angry anymore. I love my life now; although going back to a place of tertiary idiots for another semester seems rather daunting, I feel these last few months of crazy working really put me at ease.

It's going to be hard not to succumb to the way society expects us to be but who else is going to be the change we hope to see in the world?

Mortarboard

2011-07-13T08:43:00.002+08:00

Wilson must be the gayest commando alive. Gave me a box of chocolates in the shape of a graduation cap, to spur me on to graduate, as a souvenir from Taipei, Taiwan.

I am really kind of blown away.

I forgot to bring it home with me, silly me after the shift (half-worried now), nonetheless, it's very honestly one of the sweetest gestures anyone has ever done for me. It really is rather well-made and uncheesy? At least as an encouragement and not as a congratulatory gift; I don't think I said thank you quite enough. But I did make a tiny fuss of showing people my gift!

Out with the old...

2011-07-12T08:39:00.005+08:00

I am 99.99% confident that I have lost my Leica DLux 4. My half-paid via myself twenty-first birthday gift.

There are some possibilities but rather than ponder, I am rather okay with it. No longer fear losing it (since it's lost) and no longer feel like the rest of photo-capturing world. I always wondered the purpose of taking a million photos and then contemplating the effort of uploading unto Facebook; when within the week I would wish I had refrained from posting it. I really don't understand how Facebooking could be considered an healthy activity.

I must say: I am working crazy shifts, I haven't been shopping (tried to), I am not graduating (and now thankful for it), I have no ambitions and I have nothing much going for me but I don't think I have been ever happier than I have been during the last month or so (although there was a little tension between me and Azfar. In the end it still boils down to the fact that, two years into our relationship, neither of us can keep a straight face while quarrelling; it's both good and bad, I think)...

Don't pity me or my life, Mr. Security Guard, I really do love lemons as is. It made me the person I am absolutely proud to be today (although I concede that there's still room for improvement, at least I feel like I am on the right track); had I a "better" father, I would just be a nothing now--spoiled rotten to the bone.

UOB + Standard Chartered

2011-06-24T10:59:00.002+08:00

I have to cancel my Citibank card; because I think the idea of paying to use a credit card ridiculous.

Pity. Always saw it as my favourite card--it was one of my first I-am-an-adult-now things.

Reminise

2011-06-13T03:10:00.002+08:00

As I always do, I live in the past. Awful as it may be, my mind circulates its ideas upon experience. In spite of, I am glad for the way I am today; though it sometimes gets tiring.

Gazing through the very few photographs I had taken in SAJC, I was really hit with positive waves. I almost miss it. It's funny how a few years can muddle the mind and blur the past with a rosy hue, inducing thoughts of time travel and revisiting what has clearly passed.

But I will make no mistake (attempt to); it is the present and the future I will pin my hopes on. Not the awful past.

Tanjong Pagar Railway Station

2011-06-09T01:58:00.003+08:00

7th June 2011:
An amazing day; the trip along the tracks (which seemingly laid coyly 'behind' Singapore) lent me the eyes of Malaysia, gazing onto Singapura. This was Singapore before we broke apart. I do love it here, maybe more than I often give it credit for.

A tad disappointed with Original Sin but cannot deny a slight relief that an 'atas' restaurant has finally been ticked off my list of "places to eat". Stoked about tomorrow and the coming year.

8th June 2011:
A short moment, during Ahloythai dinner, my 'family' marvelled over the duration of my two year (soon and counting) relationship with Azfar. "It's been one year since we went to that Indonesian restaurant with him, hor." Wished you had come for the dinner, my mother asked for you.

A house visit and an overseas call was the perfect final touches to a short day (I woke at 16hr, from my 23-04hr shift). As well as the only way to start a new day/year(:

Too bad, Azfar is too imagey to call at midnight. What a goof of a boy.

2011-05-31T01:42:00.003+08:00

I am so sick of that one line that Matin said years ago that still rings true today.

Life punches after punch; if that line weren't true, I think today I'd be a better person with a better life and fewer punches. But then again, he, himself, contributes to the truth of his line. Moments like this make me very aware of how happy and thankful I am to have Azfar in my life. He is the calm in my storm.

It's not to say that my life is all about him; it isn't and he knows it. But my life doesn't involve much responsibilty to others. There are a few people I care very deeply for and would gladly trade my happiness for but these individuals would never imagine that I would care for them this much. That aside, I can't wait to leave Singapore knowing nothing will hold me back. On the flipside, I know if all else fails and I remain Singapore-bound the person here with me would more than suffice for the beauty of the unfelt world. There is no happy ending for us but to have such a strong yet accommodating personality in my life, has shaped and normalised some of my more extreme thinking. As much as society frames our life, society guided us first. He is the only person who deals with ugly Sam, and not unwillingly or sparingly. Full-on responsiblity. The only person to have said "I wish you had my parents" (because they are honestly the best parents I have met to date) and the first person in 23 years (exception of my siblings) to recognise that my mother has had it tough but looked at the situation through my eyes and very consideredly comment, "I don't understand why she did/didnt [something]."

Sometimes he throws in a white lie or two (or a million) but when it really matters, he tells me I am not a failure. That I will overcome mistakes. And despite not having what others have, I can be happy--even without him. The most average boy alive really has been teaching me the real way to live my life. Azfar, you make that line less true. Despite being my partner, I see you as my friend first.

(Sorry to mush but I hope you do realise blogging = somewhat diary for me; please do not read if you don't care about it. I rather your time be better spent)

2011-05-30T09:40:00.000+08:00

Good thing I didn't go for the interview. I failed Valuation.

Reasons why I didn't go for the walk-in

2011-05-29T05:16:00.006+08:00

My hair is too short to be presentable and, yet, beautiful.
I cannot stand the ghastly effect pressed powder has on my face--unnatural and unnerving.
I have been cranky due to work (yes, I know it's a mindless job; but it's a fucking draining one--ask Oli).
I have been cranky/upset due to life.
Cranky = not a good service provider = fail the interview.
I did not have an outfit that was suitable (settled for my Zara A-line khaki skirt with my favourite Gap blue with white stripes shirt, and ironed them haphazardly at midnight to get it ready for tomorrow; only to decide it was too interesting a match and hunted down my wardrobe for my G2000 white shirt, which was impossible to iron [though I now know for a fact that Azfar is a bloody good ironer], and still put it on the morning of the interview, while I was attempting to be ready).
Azfar failed to mercilessly praise me for my god-gifted gorgeous/stunning looks and lithe figure, and remind me that I was thus worthy of a stewarding position (sarcasm: my own failing, really)
I only had my Miss Selfridge's pumps that were suitable but I couldn't bring myself to wear them (one reason is because Oli really isn't a fan of them due to the corny big bows on them); and I only just remembered I have that really awesome pair of Agnes Bs.
I cannot tell a joke (apparently, the last stage of the interview).
I do not want to be a steward.
I hated my overdone french-tipped nails (I ruined them before Azfar even paid for them).
I don't really think I fit the bill of a steward; in terms of service.
I do not like my lithe figure and it made unhappy to think I had to stay this way.
Nothing was where it was supposed to be everything took three times longer to hunt down.
I knew I had not thought about the interview at all (other than to thread my brows and prep my nails) nor retain some background information of the company.

But the truth?
I feel/felt like I have/had nothing left for me, with the exception of this possibility, and the idea that I could possibly fail was simply too great a pressure to bear. I flipped and I broke down. Because the last time I went was the first time in my life I did not succeed from an interview. I don't think my pride can take any more battering; I literally have nothing to be proud of. After all, I have my father's blood running through me--there's only so low I can go.

I literally threw the clothes off me, and pulled on a ratty/cheap Korean-spree tee I had nearby and curled up in bed. Azfar 'threatened' (and maintained during our dinner much later) that he will be expecting me to pay him for the manicure, since I was not going. I was glad he was there (despite everything; he was really positive, just not enough for Sulky Sam).

I can't believe though, that it was the fear of failure and not failure itself that got to me. How am I any better than the typical pampered Singaporean child? Has every bit of my life really added up to nothing?

2011-05-08T02:15:00.002+08:00

I am really upset George Yeo lost. Don't be a signature-welding President of Singapore, please. I question my nation--why are we so fucking weird.

2011-05-08T01:59:00.002+08:00

Rich Singaporeans must be very happy now. I don't know why the opposition remains divided. How can you represent us this way? How would you be able to listen to and act for us, in the way the rich will never be able to?

I have officially reignited my desire to migrate. Even if it means I am remain as second-class citizen somewhere else, at least it won't be because I am not rich. At least it would be something no one can accuse me of not taking control of.

Happy birthday, little bro!

2011-05-02T03:42:00.004+08:00

About two weeks ago, Azfar came over and as he burst into my room, he declared, "Stop wearing heels!" It was amusing because we have had an on-going mini-challenge for me to find shoes that would make me taller than he (I would never but Aldo-height shoes do not even make the cut).

Turns out he saw a news (?) report stating plainly the ills and perils of prolonged or persistent wear. Claiming he never knew; bones jutting irregularly on the feet, and other deformities, was quite a sight to not behold. I plainly stated that, well, that predicament ails my family already, me visualising my father's sisters' feet and my mother's green spidery veins. And anyho, I don't wear heels quite as much as a lady should.

My point is, that was really sweet and thoughtful of him.

Inside Job

2011-04-27T23:34:00.003+08:00

Honestly, I am very proud that Mr. Lee's son was featured for Inside Job, the 2008 financial crisis movie-documentary; I mean I always had my doubts and questions, however, I think we should think carefully before we "change a winning formula" (quote from a source that wishes to remain anonymous) this coming election.

Anyway, the movie was great and, again, solidified my beliefs as to why the system just doesn't work and it would be almost a see-someone-commit-a-crime-but-does-nothing (I asked Azfar for the appropriate word/phrase and he said, "Coward", which I would have needed to explain, thus it remained in the form posed in my question) act to be a part of it.

I am very much an anti-it girl

2011-04-27T23:03:00.008+08:00

I can't keep up with ever-changing times or trends. I don't get the whole less words = more thing that youngsters these days love. Those one-liners that show-stops? Like heh? Of course in person, I am socially inadequate to offer more than a cursory yes/no, when I type I do prefer making myself absolutely clear. One-liners play a role in my life, however, any lit student worth their salt knows that standing out is about breaking the rhythm, not joining it.

That aside, today, I will post a series of texts between Azfar and I (hopefully he shan't mind), the nu-school way:

These made me very happy, in a the-world-doesn't-value-me-but-it-doesn't-matter-as-long-I-know-you-do way; very non-news like most status updates/tweets/whatever youngsters do these days.

_ _ _ standard _ _ _ _ _

2011-04-24T22:15:00.003+08:00

Today, I am sick.

Must be the whining I did yesterday with regards to Life, Money, School and the Future. Nonetheless, I am glad I did 'cause I-Don't-Know/Don't-Know-How-To-Say-This but I am glad you were there to watch me as I fell. Sometimes, it's just better not to be delving into your own thoughts (okay, in honest truth, I hardly think that much any more (my dream come true!) and, instead, have someone to delve just deep enough to taste the salt but not deep enough to drown in the sea.

On an unrelated note, I miss you, Muhammad! Welcome back to Singapore.

Just one angry rant? Pretty please!

2011-04-20T01:53:00.002+08:00

I dislike it when people say, "I have no regrets/I don't believe in regrets/One shouldn't regret".

Honestly, I don't like it when people say anything about suppressing emotions/feelings. You can't not have them, it's just inhuman. The best we can do? Is just to simply tame the beast; though any day now, the beast will escape, however, isn't that exactly the way we learn and we discover? To live life to the fullest, is to embrace everything, even regrets and sorrows--which will not make you any wiser for the next bout Life deals.

And somehow, along the way we will realise what a blessing our loved ones have been to us (while god really sees us as the blessing to our loved ones; or some unforeseeable twist like that).

everytime I mention my dad, please imagine me speaking in mandarin

2011-04-07T18:00:00.003+08:00

(mobile phone vibrates, "dad--mobile" flashes on the screen, Sam reaches to pick up the call)

Dad: Sam ah?

Sam: Yep.

Dad: You're sleeping ah? Where are you?

Sam: Nope, I am in school.

Dad: Oh, okay. I won't disturb you anymore, then.

(line goes dead)

My dad has his moments. He does.

it's another year, daddy; you're getting older but are you getting any wiser? happy birthday, dad

2011-04-06T18:50:00.007+08:00

生日快樂！
You're getting older, must get wiser too.. Take care!

Sent that to my Dad.

Anyway, instead of studying I finished up An Education and Taking Woodstock, by golly, they were painful to sit through; Though overall, quite enjoyable still.

Accompanied by Sprite®, with Nata de Coco--Yum!

Value my brain

2011-04-02T01:25:00.006+08:00

Quite sick isn't it?

That was how I prepared for my Valuation midterm, and boy do I regret it now.

I feel quite awful. I don't think I have ever experienced such academic helplessness before.

All accounting has done is reprimand me for playing up my weaknesses and hiding my strengths. This course is the biggest mistake of my life. I wish someone had pulled me aside, hit me on the head and said, "You love Literature, you love Geography--Accounting is just bullshit for a world you don't believe in. So what are you doing applying for that course?"

No one knows really how fucking stupid I feel these last two years. And I make it up by running away, cause hanging around would potentially lead me to burst into a miserable puddle of tears while within boundaries of the National University of Squander.

2011-03-29T01:08:00.002+08:00

I am really blessed to have a brother who gets it.

And another brother who truly has comic timing.

2011-03-29T00:18:00.001+08:00

Now, I am crying. Because I am so angry. I am so so angry and the person doesn't even know what to say.

make mistakes.

2011-03-29T00:03:00.001+08:00

Sorry, correction, a module costs $636. Fuck.

We all

2011-03-28T23:15:00.001+08:00

I didn't think I could have messed up. Honestly, I have never needed to bother about academic stuff, there was always someone/thing else who took care of it for me, the school, great teachers, my genes, lady luck--the list really is quite endless.

With Mr. Anthony's guidance, I breezed through junior college as though that period didn't exist or didn't have to. It gave me the first true taste of brilliance and admiration/envy, and I lapped it all up. I found the motivation to push for a place in University, which I had always assumed Local was guaranteed, even up to the point of result announcements. I fumbled and tumbled into a waitress-ing job that fuelled the taste of superiority. I was better than anything, I thought. Then "real" university started, after the disappointing one in SMU; the one without friends, without promises, without disappointments, without desire and without brilliance. I shone in modules like Law, Marketing and Management, they were too easy. But as I pursued the suggestion of Accountancy, despite having absolutely no Mathematics background and no motivation to press on, I completely languished.

My CAP is 2.41 over 5, as of last semester, it's an embarrassing CAP but I never measured my worth via grades, and university has not changed that. But I have more than exceeded my required modular credits. And somehow the university is holding me from my longed freedom from their clutches of unthinking undergraduates.

They changed a foundation module from an Art faculty's Advanced Economics module to an equivalent Business faculty's module. So I picked it up and completed it.

Who was to know that by doing so I was required to pick up an additional breadth module (one that resides outside of my home faculty--Business) which would make me at least 5 MCs (modules are worth 4 MCs in most cases) over the stated 120 MCs required for graduation. Actually, I am not really angry. I am just exasperated that my graduation now coincides with the official graduation ceremony (in July) when I should have been free much earlier. When I have been WAITING for the day I can stop saying I am studying at NUS and stop being associated with that kind of people.

Being a waitress really gave me the eyes to see even more than my family life has. The real university of Life is observable and educated by experience, by understanding that not everyone has the opportunities most of the "intelligent" people have, and it's not because they are lazy. Life just fucks whoever it deems fuckable.

By being kind, by realising how silly educated people act.

Man-made problems are the silliest problems. Why does regulation and all of the legal nonsense have to exist? Why don't they just really teach people ethics, and award degrees based on character and triumph over challenges? Degrees revocable by irk-worthy behaviour.

Why do people not shun/punish those who commit crimes of ethics or morals? Why do people pretend it is acceptable, thereby allowing it to be acceptable? Why doesn't the world work on authenticity?

I have totally went off the course of the problem of not graduating at the end of this semester. But I think I summed up the crux of my thoughts.

The additional $300++ for the extra "Special Term" just validates my belief that "real" university was the ultimate waste of my time. And here I was foolish pondering over the best way to repay my student Tuition Fee Loan, when really I should be thinking how to finance this unwarranted burden.

irrational acid

2011-03-28T00:49:00.003+08:00

It's slightly more than two hours since the bloody launch and, yes, my cheeks are still bloody flushed.

Stupid games we play, or you play, but baby? Yes, I love you tons.

I am really glad we getting my back/lung/chest checked out tomorrow. I guess someone has got to get me to care about my health, since my mother won't.

2011-03-25T21:31:00.002+08:00

I hate reading my old posts, from that blog. Because it reeks of my past potential. It reeks of my life's potential, long faded. And yet it really just keeps me from making the same mistakes.

I rather be happy than "poetically insightful". Fuck "intelligence".

(:

800 posts old, this post

2011-03-10T01:30:00.002+08:00

Been to the the doctors' five to six times in the first quarter of the year? F, there's a new record for me, I normally max-out at twice/year. F my f-g stuck, in the most uncomfortable way, nose.

Not to mention, 4 days and counting of a relentless headache. Seriously, headaches are so not me.

happy twenty-third, oli(:

2011-03-05T00:44:00.000+08:00

just for you(:

good luck with studying!

Céline Nano Luggage Shopper With Shoulder Strap

2011-03-04T23:58:00.000+08:00

Quite a miserable day.

Forced myself to run, even though I am feeling kind of anti-running/pro-swimming (except for the lack of a pretty and with-coverage swimsuit) because I need the stewarding job when I graduate. And currently, I know I am too fat to be a stewardess. Not to mention my too-short hair. After seeing that lucydacyd girl's long hair made me think about how long mine would have been if I didn't cut it then (we had similar hair length before I went "snip"). However, life shouldn't circulate around regrets. Short/Barber hair has given me something I never saw in myself--confidence in my facial features, and I feel beautiful kind of all the time, now. No need to hide behind hair anymore.

And another upside, my brother has loaned me his Hertiage toolbag for the week. Worried about getting stains on it, however, uber thankful. It really turned my day around, especially after knowing that I need something that I can't have--yet again! (hint: title)

I have my tomorrow's outfit planned, with my new russian red lips for sure. That's a plus plus!

2011-03-03T10:42:00.001+08:00

I waited patiently for my school shuttle and was prepared to be half hour late, so it didnt really matter.

And had a mini epiphany... there had to be "a god/gods".

I stared at a team of ants on the pebbled pavement attempting to twist a trampled dead-something off, so as to transport the food back to their nest. I marveled at their teamwork and their strength. And I felt so tempted to come in, pull it off for them so they may proceed to bring it back. But I didn't. I realised how fearful they would be.

So I sat back and watched them, and tried to ensure no one tramples on them.

finding myself out

2011-03-02T23:33:00.000+08:00

Was really caught off guard by humans in general today.
-Some ushers are quite normal, intelligent without being proud.
-A classmate invited me to join their group, despite my bad track record.

In addition, I think I finally realised what type of writer I am meant to become. I know I could never shine in descriptives, narratives simply finish as a self-centered epiphanies, expository essays always lack in-depth knowledge (and I cannot perform research of any kind), and journalism is not quite my calling--merely the remainder...

Perfect Days

2011-03-02T00:24:00.003+08:00

Today was a relatively busy day. But all I seem to think of were the moments I found you. In between my classes and our brief exchanges. I remember you bringing back a lovely paper bag from Tangs with the make-up I have been crushing for months (finally--MAC Wonder Woman arrived!); and even though I paid for it, the inconvenient effort to obtain sold-out-in-america make-up kind of is worth more than money. And you got nothing wrong. Afterwards, we had a quiet, and remarkably romantic, roof terrace lunch in NUS with my veggie delight and your (ex-my) tuna subways. A simple game of sudoko confounded us and yet made us sit together to use The Epoch Times well.

Recently, we seem to only understand good days.

I love you, unbearably much. Don't leave me, now.

2011-02-28T16:33:00.001+08:00

My younger brother has pointedly spoke of my belly and it's fabric clenching size.

Okay, time to get back into exercise. For real.

2011-02-28T16:21:00.002+08:00

I don't know why people in the "real world" have such an uncanny ability to make someone feel like shit.

Sorry NUS Business School, for not actively seek a stupid unglamourous job, as a to-be-graduate. Sorry for not contributing to your numbers.

Why do people bother to talk, just to say, "hey, you failed. so what else can I say to make you feel worse?"

all of twenty-three, soon

2011-02-27T02:00:00.002+08:00

I always loved the number "2", accepting my personal dilemma of never being first place. I love "26" because it is an even number hardly seen and numbers 24, 25, 27 and 28 seem to pop up with more strength--showing up in multiplication tables and such, overshadowing poor number 26. But somehow I have always wanted to be twenty-three years of age. I guess another neglected number story lies in here somewhere; coupled with its youthful yet matured connotations, I felt this would be the year I grow up. And it seems to be so, my true steps into adulthood.

I had my first actual motor accident, after years of close shaves. A real blessing, I think. I learnt my mistake with dealing with such matters and if ever again--I'd be sure to deal with it in the best manner, though hopefully not needed.

I will likely have my first General Election this year, mega thrilled. Just to make a vote. I hope i get to photo-document the moment.

I made hard decisions the past year and I learnt a lot about myself and what I want to achieve in life (nothing, just a happy one--especially if I have kids, think they should grow up as kids with the least allowance!). I also realised I am exactly like my mother in one respect, I value me-time way too much to bend over backwards for others. Currently, I still do but I guess I am still learning to say "Hey, the outside world is great and all but I think I mostly prefer the company of me (and the significant other who doesn't mind/embraces my mundaneness)."

The great part of this year is that most of time I am really out of my element. I feel uncomfortable and I am trying. With Azfar, I am mostly in my comfort zone, whining and blaming everything on him or throwing the usual tantrums. But I like to think that I have not been that way at work, at school, at elsewhere--more like uncomfortably in self-control. Perhaps even less of my immature self around him. I find it easier to accord others their right to personal beliefs which I am strongly against (this right doesn't extend to you, Azfar), and to not bother to be perceived as "right" or "special" or any modifiers in the eyes of anyone, as long there is more peace. I even rather be less good when compared (inevitably), so there's less competition and more living.

I love the way I feel I am dealing with being a loner better these days. To know quite well the only place with people like me are people whom I will never meet/chance upon so easily, and not feel disheartened or misplaced by my personality, and just be happy that I can be happy. I still see things the same, I hate most of what people in my generation are doing but I understand we're all different. The difference is the way I try to process what I see. I even resisted the urge to delete my facebook account, which arose this week after some non-attendance in class. Figured there are some bare minimal rules of society one has to play by, no matter how contrived, or risk becoming just plain weird.

All in all, this year and last year's horrid year, I wrote this because today I finally realised and accepted that I need to make this work with you. Because Mr. Azfar--I think you're the one.

(:

2011-02-23T09:32:00.002+08:00

I am eating Honey Gold Flakes.

My mother bought it for me, about a week ago, to be apologetic/thankful about something she did or didn't do/something I did for her.

She knows I love them, with or without milk.

The problem is, it doesn't fix the fact that I have skipped at the very least 3/4 of all my classes since the term begun. I have not even met my professors for 2/5 modules. I miss being in Hong Wen School. Nothing has compared since then (though I realise I was put through the "Underachievers" remedial lessons because of my genius brother who aced everything then).

Apparently, nothing fixes me anymore.

Don't worry, I am still happy.

2011-02-22T02:20:00.003+08:00

I am lame, I do browse PostSecret (I swear not every week!) when I remember.

This really kind of crushed me, a little. It's almost exactly what I would have said years ago.

Missed Phone Call by eflore7

And then, she was gone.

black swan: a short review (spoiler)

2011-02-20T01:22:00.005+08:00

I have never ever seen a better film in my life. It is not a film that defines our time, it's a film that exemplifies at the very least the struggles I have faced. The raw edge of emotions coming at you. That moment we live for.

I don't know how else to express it. After the film, I was truly just in awe of the spectacle that flickered before me. The excruciating pain of passion and will. The desire. The oh-so-accurate portrayal of us. The intoxicating loneliness. The absolute loss of direction. The pleading need for some pointers, halfway mid-life. The temptations (lame, however, oh so true?). The fleeting moments of perfection.

And when it ended, I knew the only way out was for her to die.

It is not many films that makes me stop and just wish somehow I could have been part of the vision that pulled this work of art together. Somehow, you almost forget you're watching the dying art of ballet. No scene was misplaced or over-placed or under. One can only sit still and ponder how in the world could have this message been brought out any clearer.

I sat in fear, mostly. Nonetheless, at the final act, I gobbled it all up; her frantic desperation for greatness, her most erratic thoughts, the blooded adrenaline racing through her, her peace. I understood the madness.

the future

2011-02-15T15:20:00.004+08:00

I don't know if I am doing the right thing, but this is not the time to worry. I guess this is the time to mug and ensure that the last semester counts for a graduation. If that means killing myself over valuation, so be it--godspeed to me.

Think of it as 'A' Levels all over again, just that this time you couldn't drop math.

--------------------------
Anyway, the boy and I talked a little about his plans. And when he suggested a breakup if he leaves for Scotland (apparently for my happiness, and not for the hot Scottish ladies awaiting), I started crying, we both came to realise (me a little slower than he) how intertwined our lives have been and how much I really do care.

Another two years. Another NS for both of us. But hey--wouldn't it really be awesome? A Scottish degree, my love!

--------------------------
Anyway, it was the most beautiful pizza in the world, and the tastiest burrito/taco(:

2011-02-02T12:20:00.003+08:00

I read your words today, after the longest time of not bothering. And I realised why I don't write-write anymore--I just ramble now. Because I don't want to compete, because I don't want to be competitive, because I don't want to contribute to it. She was right though. About you and me. It's not just you who is competitive; I may have tried to be freed from it but as of now, I have not succeed. So I will write again (sometime soon?) and I will embrace things regardless of who and who is/was doing what.

I am really trying to be the woman who doesn't live under her glass rock.

late postage

2011-01-26T10:22:00.003+08:00

I really have nothing to do in the office today. Wish I could be at home, in bed, resting my mind for the new school year. Really am not looking forward to my last semester in NUS. Not because I am not excited about finally leaving but because I can't say for sure that I'd like what leaving entails for me.

The lack of absolute guidance scares me. Sure, everyone has a little bit of fluff to speak of--go into banking, do audit first then commercial, open your eyes in audit, 'follow' your heart get a job in marketing (but that's not even my dream), etc. Fuck, I can say all that too and classify it as guidance. In fact, I am guilty of that. What I really want to know is doing "A" guarantees "B" and so on and so forth. Like in secondary or junior college, how getting As means you get the courses you want, the schools you want and even the sort of pride you're 'entitled' to. I want some sort of assurance. But there is none. Envy shrouds me and real desires when I hear of just how much so-and-so earns; I wonder if that's the life for me. Perhaps not.

It was really quite sweet of the boy to come by just to pass me a bottle of water and chips (I hadn't had a bottle yesterday, thus stuck in the office w no water, chips were just greedy ol' me--paid this debt via a blister as I lugged 3 bags of chips and my bag over the overhead bridge and up my stairs (no matter, no one saw me limping--or at least I saw no one who saw me!). We had a great lunch--with awesome faux pork (which he really loved--aka he'll LOVE the real thing). I miss him more than ever these days, like miss-miss.

Can't wait to just be a wait-staff again--even when you meet fucked up patrons, it's kind of fun. Especially if you throw the boy (aka gay-magnet; also attractive to well-fed females and aunties) into the deal.

(: I feel much better now

2011-01-26T00:32:00.004+08:00

2011-01-18T01:47:00.001+08:00

I love mabr, very much. always thru thick & thin.

2011-01-08T01:55:00.001+08:00

Oh, this doesn't change the fact that I am going to work on positive vibes this year!

2011-01-08T01:37:00.001+08:00

I FEEL SO FUCKING UPSET. I HATE THIS.

This is the process of moving on.

This is the first one-sided break up.

2011-01-08T00:30:00.006+08:00

A bit breathless now.

I am deleting everything you ever sent me. I am deleting your number (and no, it is not on memory). Please, please stay out of my life.

I don't want to be special-whatever anymore. I just want to be happy. For real. Not trying. For real. I feel so upset. I feel so, so upset. (And fuck, my sister has to be playing "the xx" in the background; tears)

Just cumulative of everything. Really everything. My audit senior was impressed that I worked part-time, and she doesn't even know how much. She commented, "that's good, means you're more mature than your peers." I don't buy it, I just feel the same. Just constantly tired, constantly unhappy and frustrated. Constantly wondering when would anyone just STOP their wheels from turning and really make me their life. Make me special, the centre of everything important (not important in the midst of unimportant things). All this working really hard, filling up my time, earning money my parents don't give me/don't provide for--Just makes me un-relateable. Made me alone in my mind, even with friends, family, etc. I kind of always envisioned someone who would just scoop me out of my dreaded life and adore me for being so industrious. But really, people just forget you when you're not there. Just forget me for good. I have been rationalising for months. I have been upset for years. Now, let me do the no-return part. My emotional crush on you ends soon, but my quiet waiting ends now.

God, (yes, the one with the capital G) please give me strength.

I didn't envision him, I always envisioned a blank face. Maybe because no one was ever going to get me.

I wonder when would it be my turn. I wonder when I will be fully at peace. I wonder if love is meant for me.

I love you so much, but really, I don't know why. I wish I was the one but no matter. We wouldn't have worked out. Oh god, my heart aches. This feels like St. Andrew's all over again. What a fool I've been.

I am sorry I couldn't do the plan. The confrontation, the words I planned, the thoughts in my mind. I just really cannot do this to myself anymore.

I love myself. I love how I am a bitch and how I am never going to fit in but I am not weird. I don't know why you don't love me for the way I am. It hurts. I love myself and I don't want to be stuck in year 2006, eighteen and foolish. Or twenty-one and foolish. I am so glad I am turning 23 this year, I am so glad it sounds so old, that I had better start acting my age.

The plan was to be friends but friends don't allow them to wait years for an answer. I am not even expecting a yes. I just wanted to be sure it was a no; A "no" you never said.

the new year's first crap day

2011-01-08T00:30:00.001+08:00

it's official. the first crappy day of 2011. I really fought it but somethings can't be fought.

I realised my Audit Senior is vegetarian, so that was an upside. The whole of next week is veg-week!

Quite comical, the way I realised. I was looking out for a store and she looked at me, with eyes that was just awaiting my approval of a certain store. It was clear that she knew what she wanted (she lives in that area). I asked her if there were any vegetarian stores, she looked surprised (that i knew perhaps that she needed a veg-store) and piped "you're vegetarian?" Before I could reply, "I am one so I have not much selection." I think that really intrigued her.

I am thinking I might do the switch earlier than I thought. But I don't know if I can commit to zero meat. It's hard to eat nutritiously without meat. And sweet and sour pork.

this year

2011-01-08T00:29:00.001+08:00

This year was definitely the most uneventful and eventful year. I learnt to love and to not love and to not love just anything.

2011-01-03T01:30:00.006+08:00

I know I have changed recently. Kind of unexpectedly, and kind of miraculously. I only say that because I do know the kind of person I have been over the last few years but through the blessing of god (no, still not Christian), I have met people to really inspired me to think more like a human being should; as we are part of society, no matter how secluded and isolated we choose to be. I never knew I could desire something again, and I do now have some non-concrete ambitions to fulfill, rather than just mere money as a goal. In fact, I displaced money from the most important to just a little tool to achieve peace.

I am writing this post really just to thank my intern-friends for reaffirming my new set of beliefs (unwittingly, or with the case one of them, wittingly), to thank my true-blue friends (you three rascals who know not too well of each other) for testing and shaping my patience and beliefs, to my workmates/friends (mostly this three: Nicole [first time I learnt so much from someone my junior], Joseph [making work a much better place, you started the friendly-Sam thing] and Josephine [really changed my stubborn mentality and made me question so many of my actions, which were not wrong but were simply done in bad taste, though well-intentioned]; and to the unmentionables-because-I-thank-you-for-your-loathe-worthiness, thank you for truly being the ones who enlightened me a little more on life and relationships. I really see through even clearer lenses now (if that were possible, hahaha!). I adore this newfound feeling of moulting out of my old form, not perfect yet (okay, or ever) but I am happy to be growing and learning. Much better than just thinking that I am at the peak.

Of course, thank you to my other loved ones--everyone plays a part(:

The best part of being in the service line is that anyone and everyone is replaceable. There's no real imaginary importance placed on experienced or 'exceptionally talented' individuals, to the extent that they may continue to perpetuate the crisis they themselves created. That may mean no one ever achieves an upper hand but really all it does is ensure you still deserve that promotion you got or the respect that was once due. I feel that is probably the best part about this line, it's not perfect, some people still survive despite that their pig-headedness but as seen by the recent events, after a while, lies come to light. Although the 'real' world may have some whistle-blower protection and support, let's face it--it's hard to get rich without a little bit of deceit/sly-ness in you. And the very real imaginary importance placed in the investment bankers, managers and CEOs (okay, so I don't know much about this side of the world) who make lots of money doing nothing much as they gain seniority, 'cept play golf under the very very taxing sun, is simply something I cannot go along and pretend its alright. And all the little and important books I've read made it clear that if I did go along and pretend, they would disown me as their mate.

To more learning and writing and exploring of thyself in the coming year--Cheers to 2011, it's going to be a great year ahead!

2010-12-12T01:02:00.002+08:00

i wish my life was better. and if this was really private i would say all the things i know i would regret saying.

2010-12-12T00:59:00.001+08:00

wish i was dead. every motherfucking day. wish everyone would just die too. fucking life is a fucking waste of motherfucking time. yay to you all. yay.

2010-11-23T00:26:00.007+08:00

This video,

, encapsulates everything I want to feel for all my life. If my life could be just shrouded via these lens, and I to be standing right where she is in each frame. Of course, it helps that I especially love her trashy-beautiful ensembles.

"please, sam..." he pleaded

2010-11-21T00:18:00.001+08:00

When I sit at home, or lie in bed, thinking of my life and what has been done and said; It's rife with regrets but also a million things I would never had done differently.

As I laid in bed today and realised my boy cares not just for me but of his girls before me. I shuddered (only in my thoughts). What did I ever do to deserve this kind of "love"? Was I too cruel once or had I asked for too much? I always felt that I have been blessed with tribulations, which strengthened me with each whip, but today I wish I was mush. Be like all the other girls with gay and happy things to share and flaunt, to flout no rules on sexuality and stay within my lines.

I feel so... In need of a real... Someone who would guide me because I am so in over my head with life. The whole thing hurts like fuck and, god knows, I don't believe anyone understands how I feel (fuck this teenage angst talk).

Please don't come in with your stories, don't share your life with me. My life has made me so selfish, sometimes I think I can only hear myself. I don't have the worst life; Everyone knows there will always be taller, more treacherous mountains. My mountain is tall and treacherous enough for me, they are more than I can bear.

I can't share the number of times I wish I were born a boy so at least half of my issues would dissipate. It is an impossible amount.

Life is a living hell. And no, please, this is not a cry for help. Really, I am done with that. Don't you think a blogpost indicates it's a little too late for that?

No, I will not be committing suicide. Please--I am stronger than that, right?

Yes, I am fine. Please not that customary check; Yes, I am fine, just needed to get words off my chest.

he'll

2010-11-14T01:02:00.001+08:00

he'll be better off without you.

wow

2010-11-14T00:27:00.001+08:00

it hurts much more than it's supposed to

2010-11-06T01:52:00.001+08:00

And somehow I feel it was a total mistake to cut my hair.

It really wasn't worth keep such long hair only to cut something I could have done 9 months back?

2010-11-06T01:33:00.003+08:00

The feature I love and hate the most at The Sartorialist would be the anonymity of the labels/stores behind the beautiful wares on display.

It reduces envy but increases frustration--which must be then held in check. I hate myself. I don't understand why such simple functions that should be nurtured and instilled, within my subconscious control, are so arduous to perform. Why do I make excuses for every thing that happens; my excuses, their excuses, your excuses, his excuses, family's excuses...?

Excuses as to why we are allowed to live our lives like this. It is getting harder and harder to just heed normalcy and bend to its demands. This is contrary to my youthful belief that with age, I will understand why our world is so fucked and I will learn to play along with the roles it has created. I will walk in straight, uniformed lines and hold my partner's hand. But I begin to really hate it so vehemently sometimes I feel it's better to just shut up, there is nothing good left to say in this world. Even "I love you" is impure and tainted with our limited understanding and our lies, coupled with actions.

In a sense, that's why I like you so much. You do not question such things, you accept society with all its flaws despite being aware of them but it doesn't bother you how the world rotates. You just know it does and you accept it. I love and hate that about you.

It brings me peace and it drives me mad.

unpredictable

2010-11-04T19:37:00.002+08:00

I topped my business policy class' individual mid-term assignment--90%.

Although I am probably not the only 90% achiever, I cannot express how amazed I am; other than saying that I actually feel like crying, really crying, but that's unacceptable. Especially whilst sitting currently in my business policy class.

It was compounded by the fact that the grade range was between 50-90%, and the average mark was 76%. I shook and shivered, in some sort of fear, for the rest of length of the class (which was three hours long, I trembled for almost two hours).

pink, lukewarm, juicy mess of...

2010-11-03T01:23:00.003+08:00

I can't stand myself.
I cannot take myself anymore.

You reach a point when all you can think about is turning back every action, every word, every thought--you reach a point when every single moment is marked by your crude behaviour and you wonder if would have been better if you had just...

And no, help is not an option. If I could look/peek inside my head, I am almost certain I'd find an unimaginable amount of...

... Nothing.

it worked!

2010-10-28T12:29:00.001+08:00

I put my mid term test's timing as 1200h, when it was at 1230h.

It worked! I thought it was at 1200h, and rushed like mad.